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好雷人的精品英语笑话!

  1. I Have His Ear in My Pocket

  Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

  "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

  "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

  "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

  他的耳朵在我衣兜里

  伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。

他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?”

  “一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说。

  “再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。

  “他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

  2. A Good Boy

  Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

  "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

  "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

  "She is the one who sells the candy."

  好孩子

  小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。

  “昨天给你的钱干什么了?”

  “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”

  “她是个卖糖果的。”

  3. Drunk

  One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he

  asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two

  policemen as four then I am drunk."

  "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

  醉酒

  一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲

  回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”

  4. Hospitality

  The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment

  and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have

  better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

  好客

  由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。

  客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生。”那小男孩说。

  5. Adidas

  上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

  6. 上帝曾经答应我

  Once god came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for world peace. That's impossible, he said.

  有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。

  Then I asked him to give you brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".

  然后我请让你变聪明。他说:“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。”

  7.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

  Jack: Certainly.

  Tom: And why?

  Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

  汤姆:威廉向我借五英镑。我该不该借给他?

  杰克:当然应该了。

  汤姆:为什么?

  杰克:否则他就该跟我借了

  8..I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport

  gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. 'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him. 'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

  我陪丈夫一起出差,他带着他的手提式计算机。机场出口处检查员要他打开包。他耐心的等着我那窘迫的丈夫设法回想起暗锁的密码。最后他终于想起来了。

  “你为什么那么紧张呢?”我问他。

  “这密码是我们结婚纪念日。”他承认道

  9.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

  Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

  妈妈:你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?

  汤姆:我刚吃完药,可我忘了先摇动瓶子了

  10.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

  On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves

  you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

  My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

  一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”

  我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”

  11.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

  'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

  'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

  玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟,一天对他抱怨说:“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”

  “不用担心,亲爱的,所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。

  12. Nest and Hair

  My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

  "What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

  "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

  "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

  "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

  Notes:

  (1) inform v.告诉

  (2) nest n.窝;巢

  (3) description n.描述

  (4) encourage v.鼓励

  (5) resemble v. 相似;类似

  鸟窝与头发

  我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。

  “是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。

  “我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。

  “那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。

  “哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。”

  13. I've Just Bitten My Tongue

  "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

  "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

  "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

  Notes:

  (1) poisonous adj.有毒的

  (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

  我刚咬破自己的舌头

  “我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。

  “是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”

  “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

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