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第八届全国创新英语作文大赛优胜作文选登

来源:搜狐教育
2011年04月12日17:05

  Let us shine

  徐叶子

  江苏省张家港市张家港外国语学校高二4班

  Volunteers are just like diamonds in the sun, and the diamonds are forever, especially the youth. Volunteer work is just like a miracle. From the May 12th earthquake to the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, volunteer work made unbelievable contributions.

  60 years ago our country was set up, today we will celebrate its 60th birthday. In this process, volunteer work did a lot of help and now our country is standing in the world just like a giant. In the past years, volunteers have helped a large number of people, the old, the young, the poor and the homeless. All the volunteers know that the road ahead will be long and cragged, but no matter what obstacles stand in their way they will never stop. Because they have a creed and they believe everything is possible. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers keep on going without hesitation. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers hand in hand and be with together forever. Oh the creed of volunteer work, you make volunteers go to the edge of the world and let them know the true meaning of life. Do you know what the creed is? Yes, it is love. With love, volunteer work makes people open their mind and let them find the sky is theirs. With love, volunteer work makes people look into their hearts and let the sunshine in. With love, volunteer work makes people believe that smilers will never lose and frowners will never win.

  I know something has changed because of volunteer work. I know it for real because it feels so right and the world looks so much brighter. Love is important to volunteer work and volunteer work is important to the whole world.

  The infinite sky is motionless and the blue ocean is boisterous. This moment is perfect. Let us become volunteers and try our best in volunteer work. It can be the start of something new and it's our turn to learn some or win some. So, let's make a wish and get ready to shine like diamonds.

  专家建议:

  建议该考生在语言流畅的基础之上,注意两方面问题。第一,用词更具体些,避免使用语义较为空泛的表达,如learn some or win some。第二,文章华美有余,但逻辑层次不足。需加强句子与句子之间以及段落与段落间的逻辑性。

  专家点评:

  该作文使用了很多修辞方式,从这一点上看,作者在学习英语的过程中一定是位有心人,注重边阅读边积累背诵。同时能看出,作者一定是一位喜爱英文歌曲的人,文中很多表达都来自于音乐歌词。但在遣词造句时,需要区分口头表达和较书面表达,在这点上,文章还有提高的空间。

  

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