幽默解毒尴尬（下）

　　No Problem （没问题）In the tea party in honor of theseventy-fifthbirthday of W· S· Churchill , a junior reporter whocherished（怀有感情）a feeling of infinite respect to Churchill and said: I hope I cananticipate in your birthday celebration again nextyear. Churchillreacted readily to the words with variousinterpretations（解释）: Ifind your body so strong, it should beallcenter.在丘吉尔75岁大寿时的茶话会上，一位年轻的记者怀着无限崇敬的心情对丘吉尔说：“希望明年还能来庆祝您的生日。

”对这歧义层出的话，丘吉尔马上做出反映：“我看你身体怎么强壮，应该没问题。”PracticingPhysiognomy（相面） A fortune-teller made a careful study of a woman’scenter handsaying:You’re to bear two children in thedestiny（命运）. Dear me! Ihave been the mother of fourchildren!The woman told him the factexactly. The physiognomist（相士） shifted to say center away: Do notworry, I havent seen yourcenter handyet.算卦先生研究了一番一个妇女的右手说：“你命中有两个孩子。”“天呐！我已经是四个孩子的妈妈了！”妇女如实相告。算卦先生马上说：“别急吗，我还没有看你的左手呢。”ProblemOfAge (年龄问题)While campaigning for serving another term ofPresident,Ronald Reagan was rather aged. The opponent regardedthis as thebreakthrough point (突破点) and satirically （嘲讽地） calledhim an oldcucumber(黄瓜). Reagan fought back under the defense,saying in atone of a lofty stance(姿态，立场): I do not want to attainpersonalpolitical purpose to make public the immaturity （幼稚）andignorance oftheotherparty.里根竞选连任时，年事已高，对手想以此为突破点，讽之为“一根老黄瓜”。里根则防守反击，以一副高姿态的口气说：“我不想为达到个人的政治目的，而去揭露对方的幼稚与无知。”QuizOnthe Spot （就地测验）A comely（标致的） girl asks a youngster: How do yougazeat (盯)me weirdly（不可思议地，离奇地）? The young man says: Because Iloveyou. “My younger sister is more beautiful than me, she isunder thesilk tree（合欢树）. The gullible （轻信的，易受骗的） young man runsover to see,only a matchlessly ugly woman there. He runs back toask that prettygirl hastily: Why do you cheat me? The womansays: Because youcheated me first. Utters the man: I did notcheat you. The womanbrings him to account（质问）: In case that youlove me sincerely, howwould you seek another woman ?

　　一个美眉问一个小伙子：“你怎么能直勾勾地看着我？”小伙子说：“因为我爱你。”我妹妹比我还漂亮，她就在那个合欢树下。”轻信的小伙子跑过去一看，只有一个奇丑无比的东施。他赶紧跑回来问那个漂亮女人：“你为什么骗我？”女的说：“因为你先骗了我。”男的说：“我没骗你呀。”女的质问道：“你要是真心爱我，怎么还会去追另一个女的？”Rockefeller’sLodgings(洛克菲勒投宿)Multimillionaire (大富豪)Rockefeller wanted acheapest room toput up (住宿，挂起) in New York . The Manager said:Your son alwayslives in the most expensive room , how do you wantthe cheapest roomsimply? Rockefeller said: My sons father is amillionaire, but myfatherisnot.大富豪洛克菲勒在纽约过夜时要了一间最便宜的房间。经理说：“您儿子总是要最贵的房间，您怎么却要最便宜的房间呢？”洛克菲勒说：“我儿子的父亲是百万富翁，我的父亲却不是。”Rembrandt’sPaintings （伦勃朗的画）

　　An American said to a Hollander : I really feel sympathy foryouDutchmen, you have a painter Rembrandt , however you can notaffordto buy his paintings. The Hollander rebuked （指责） himwithsarcastic（挖苦的） remarks: I’m even sympathetic with (同情)youAmericans. Rembrandt have center behind leaves more than700paintings in all, only your National Art Gallery has collectedmorethan 1000.

　　一个美国人对一个荷兰人说：“你们荷兰人真叫人同情，出了个画家伦勃朗，你们却买不起他的画。”荷兰人反唇相讥说：“你们美国人更叫人，伦勃朗一共留下700多幅画，仅你们国家美术馆收藏了1000多幅。”Thinker(《思想者》)Chinesedress models went to Paris to take part incompetition, they sawmany a nude sculpture (雕刻，雕塑作品) standing inthe avenue. A femalemodel pointed at a sculpture and asked: Whatdoes this denote ?Theleader of the model groupillustrated（说明，阐明）: This is the veryrepresentative work ofAuguste Rodin, Thinker. What is he thinkingabout ?The leader ofthe group responded tactfully: He has beenthinking of the whatkind of clothes he prefers to wearafterall?中国的模特去巴黎参加比赛，她们看到大街上有许多裸体雕塑。一个女模特指着一个雕塑问：“这叫什么？”领队的说：“这是罗丹的代表作《思想者》。”“那他在想什么呢？”领队机智地说：“他在想到底穿什么样的衣服好呢？”ToLiveOn （ 活下去）The host asks a Pakistani movie star Raleigh: Do youoftengo to see a doctor? Yeah, I make the doctor live on.. Sodo youalso often go to the drugstore? Yeah, because thedrugstorekeepers can live on this way, too. Raleighsaidleisurely.主持人问巴基斯坦的影星雷厉：“您常去看医生吗？”“常去，这样医生才能活下去。”“那么，您也常去药店了？”“是的，因为开药店的也得活下去。”雷厉从容地说。ToSell Ladder （卖梯子）Seeing the s of the orchard （果园）wereripe, Adenauermoved out his ladder to climb up the very highlattice（果园） wall,then leaned it against the other side. Scarcelyhad His feet touchedthe ground when（此处不可是than） an employeediscovered him by chance .That person asked: What do you want todo? Adenauer excused tosay: To sell the ladder.Employeeinterrogated with wrath(激怒，愤慨) onface: Sell the ladder? How thehell do you intrude into（侵入，闯入） ourorchard? With the words hewanted to grab（抓，攫取） him. Adenauersaid: I can sell my ladderwherever I like, I can go if you do notwant to buy. Saying thatAdenauer jumped over the wall and took tohisheels（逃之夭夭）.阿登纳看到果园的苹果红了，就搬出梯子爬上了高高的花格墙，然后再将梯子靠上果园的内侧。他的脚刚一着地，就碰巧被一个员工撞上了。那人问：“你想干什么？”阿登纳借口说：“卖梯子。”员工一脸的怒气，质问：“卖梯子？你怎么跑到我们的果园里来了？”说着就去抓他，阿登纳说：“我的梯子愿意在那里卖就在那里卖，你不买我可以走吗。”说着跳过墙便溜之大吉了。TakingCareOf Apparels （看衣服）

　　Scarcely had (准否定副词scarcely ,hardly, rarely,seldom置于句首，引起部分倒装)aburglar finished pulling out the feathers of achicken which he hadjust stolen when somebody tracked him down .The thief promptlythrew the chicken into the drain of the wayside.The comerquestioned: “ What are you doing?” The burglar said: Mypartnergoes swimming, I am taking care of the apparel (衣服) for him.

　　小偷刚刚把偷来的鸡毛拔净，就有人追了过来，他随手把鸡扔到路边的水沟里。来人问：“你在干什么？”小偷说：“我的搭档去游泳，我在帮他看衣服。”TheFewCan’t Tackle the Many （寡不敌众）Some private university enhancedthediscipline, then the advanced vocational students who attendedaclass come to more than 150 persons actually. The substituteteacher（代理教师）commented with a wry smile (苦笑): There are near onethird ofstudents here I have never seen. Since so many students ofothercolleges came to the lecture out of admiration for myreputation, Ifeel keenly honored; Meantime I have a sense ofbeinghopelesslyoutnumbered（在数量上被超过）.某民办高校加强了纪律检查，前来上课的高职学生竟达到了150多人。代理教师苦笑着说：“近三分之一的学生我还从未见过。这么多‘外校的学生’慕名听课，我深感荣幸，同时又有点寡不敌众的感觉。”VoiceSupport（声援）

　　When it came to the general cleaning at weekend, theEconomicDepartment completed their zone quickly because of enoughhands,whereas（而，却） the Philosophy Department just half done owingtofewer comers .The director of the Philosophy Department said totheEconomic Department: You ought to give us a hand in espritdecorps(法语：团队精神，集体荣誉感) .The director of the EconomicDepartmentsaid: Just our voice will do .

　　周末卫生大扫除，经济系人手齐，很快打扫完了。哲学系来的人少，才干了一半。哲学系的主任对经济系的人说：“你们也不发扬发扬风格，来帮帮我们。”经济系的主任说：“我们光声援就行。”VoiceFromDefeated General （败将之声）When Huai-hai Campaign drew to a close,oneof our soldiers captures caught hold of a big fish, then senthimaway （动词加副词构成的成语动词，如宾语是人称代词，应置于动词副词之间，成“夹心饼干”结构）under guard toChenYi directly .Chen Yi heard (审理，听陈述) him: What’s your name?Theother party answered: Defeated officer Du Yuming. ChenYipumped(探问):Where are your troops? Du Yuming answered :Ihandedover alltoyou.淮海战役收网时，我军士兵逮住一条“大鱼”，并把他直接押送给陈毅。陈毅问道：“你叫什么名字？”对方答：“败将杜聿明。”陈毅问：“你的部队呢？”杜聿明答：“都交给你了。”Whistle(吹口哨)Foreman says to a worker thatwhistling: It prohibits fromwhistling whileworking.（在表示禁止的一组词中，语气由弱到强为：forbid〈prohibits〈ban,其中prohibit表示官方以规章禁止，forbid常指直接或私人下命令〉Thatworker asks: Can I workwhile whistling?The foremansays:Absolutely.工头对一个吹口哨的工人说：“工作时不准吹口哨。”那工人问：“吹口哨时可不可以工作？”工头说：“当然可以。”Weight(体重)Mrs.Morgenthau walks into a reduce(减肥) bodybuilding center:My weightis already up to 100 kilograms . Although I tried avarious ways forreducing weight, it turned outinefficient（效率低的，不称职的）.Thegym(体育课，体育馆) coach asks: How much wasyour lightest weight? Just3 kilograms ——weighed by a nurse.摩根索太太走进一家减肥健美中心：“我体重已达到100公斤，用过各种减肥办法，都没什么效果。”健身房的教练问：“你最轻时多重？”“才3公斤，是护士给称的。”WaitingForA Course （ 等菜）In ancient times, both father and his sonwereaddicted to （沉湎于） drink .The two of them went to buy spirits inabiting-cold （冷得刺骨的）winter. Owing to the groundvarnished(给┅┅上釉)with ice, the son slipped down and smashed theliquor jar intopieces. The father lay on the ground and drank, buthis son stoodstill. The father roared at the situation : Drinkquickly, whatthe blazes do you stand sillily ?The son said: Iwait foracourse.古时，一家父子俱好饮。隆冬季节，二人去打酒，因路上结冰，儿子不小心把酒罐摔了，父亲爬下就喝，儿子却站着不动。父亲见状吼道：“还不快喝，傻愣着干啥？”儿子说：“我等菜。”YesorNo After All ? （到底是不是？）

　　Mark Twain answered the correspondent of New York Times atthetime of his Gilt Age being published , he remarked: Someofcongressmen in the United States are borne bythefilthy（污秽的）whores（婊子）. This moves caused a mightyuproar（喧嚣，骚动）among the congressmen. They demanded severely MarkTwain toapologize publicly at the same newspaper in order to cleartheair（消除误会，澄清事实）.After a few days, Mark Twain published astatementagain as follows:On reflection （思考） with deliberation, Ifeel whathad said that day was amiss a bit. Now I make aspecialcorrigendum（勘误表）:Some of the congressmen in the UnitedStates arenot borne by the filthywhores.马克·吐温就自己的《镀金时代》答《纽约时报》记者问时说：“美国国会议员有些是狗婊子养的。”这一举动在议员中间引起轩然大波，他们强烈要求马克·吐温在同一家报纸上公开道歉，以正视听。过了几天，马克·吐温又登出下面的文字——经过慎重考虑，前言似有不妥，特更正如下：美国国会议员有些不是狗婊子养的。Zhan-Rong’sEmotion(湛容的情感)Zhan-Rong , a great Chinese contemporary（当代的）writer, famousin the literary circles for her People at MiddleAge, was invited tocertain university in the United States to given lecture . AnAmerican shouted from the below with a problem: Ihear of you arestill not a mr of CPC up to now, so may I ask youwhat your privateaffections （感情，爱慕）to Communist Party of Chinaare? Zhan-Rongresponded: Your information is very accurate, I amnot a mr of CPCup to now .But, my husband is an old mr of CPC, andhe and I havelived together for several decades, having noindications of thedivorce up to now, therefore, how deep myaffections affections tothe Communist Party ofChinaare!”中国当代大作家湛容（以《人到中年》而驰名文坛），应邀去美国某大学进行演讲时，台下有个美国人向她发问：“听说您至今还不是一个中共党员，请问您对中国共产党的私人感情如何?”湛容说：“您的情报非常准确，我至今还不是一个中共党员。但是，我的丈夫是个老共产党员，而我同他共同生活了几十年，至今尚未有离婚的迹象，可见，我同中国共产党的感情有多么深呐！”（编辑：赵露）（本文作者艾临，英语副教授。出版著作《每天幽它一默》、《七彩幽默背单词》，在《中国成人教育》、《山东外语教学》、《英语沙龙》、《中国日报——21世纪报》、《英语周报》、《英语辅导》等发表论文、译文60篇；山东青年书法家协会会员，作品多次发表获奖，为美、新、港等地友人所珍藏；发表诗作、游记以及史学论文等150篇（首）。为人热情幽默，兴趣广泛。）