How to Make a Cake
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
preheat: vt. 预先加热 pre-: 前缀，意为“在……前、 先于……”
grease: vt. 涂脂于、把油脂涂于……
remeasure: vt. 重新称量 re-:前缀，意为“再、又、重新”
dustpan: n. 簸箕
nutshell: n. 坚果壳
The Miracle Toddler Diet
Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor°≠otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack: Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
toddler: n. 初学走路的孩子
diet: n. 通常所吃的食物
trim: adj. 整齐的、整洁的
pediatrician: n. 儿科医师
sufficient: adj. 充分的、足够的
scramble: vt. 搅乱、使混杂
jelly: n. 果冻、果酱
vanilla: n. [植] 香草、香子兰
vial: n. 小瓶
slurp: v. 啜食
syrup: n. 果汁、糖浆
spaghetti: n. 意大利式细面条